Malcolm Rogers, 14 March 2004

Today, in this third talk on sexuality, we are going to look at the subject of sexuality and singleness.

If the bible is clear that sex is for marriage between man and woman, what then for those who are single? If they remain chaste are they going to end up frustrated, inhibited, aloof, and alone. And how can one battle with sexual temptation? And what about the desire for intimacy, the desire as one celibate put it, for that sense of “belonging” or of “being owned”? How do we cope with loneliness?

Julia Dunn writes, “How well I know loneliness. It has been my biggest struggle in life …
"The single person facing life alone may feel intimidated in the world of couples,” writes Brother Benedict Groeschel in his book, The Courage to be Chaste. “There is often no one waiting at the airport, no one with whom to discuss problems, no one to call when you backed your car into a tree. The minor emergencies of life frequently emphasise the single person’s vulnerability and lack of support.”
Julia adds: “It’s not only the emergencies that are upsetting; it’s the little things like wanting to go out to lunch but finding no one at the office who cares to go along or wanting to see a movie without having to sit alone. In times like these we feel like an incarnation of Three Dog Nights famous song, “One is the loneliest Number.” Sometimes I think that loneliness is the cruellest result of the fall”.
(Quoting p48 from Sex and the Single Christian, Julia Dunn, Marshall Pickering 1988)

And I suspect that it can be even harder if you have been with someone, but are now on your own; or if you are single and bringing up children. You are single, but you do not have the freedom that other people who are single have. You have the responsibility, but you do not have the freedom.

So today I would like to look at:

1. The advantage of being single
2. The cost of being single

The advantage of being single

1 Corinthians 7 is the clearest place where the New Testament talks about relationships and sex. It was written to people who lived in Corinth, the Amsterdam of the ancient world, a seaport, a sex capital – where anything went. In fact the church was not above scandal, and a man was reported to be having sex with his own fathers wife.

There were different groups in this church in Corinth. One of those groups had written to Paul. They told him what was happening and they asked for his advice. And one of the matters that they had written to him about was marriage and singleness. So 1 Corinthians 7.1: “Now for the matters you wrote about: “It is good for a man not to marry””. It almost seems as if he is quoting from their letter, or at least answering a direct question: should people get married?

And Paul answers: “Yes, get married, if you can’t sexually control yourself”. But, “I say this as a concession and not as a command. I wish that all men were as I am. But each man has his own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that. Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I am. But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.” (1 Corinthians 7.6-8)

There are two reasons why Paul urges people not to get married

1. He believes that, in view of the imminent return of Jesus, people should not get married (vv29-31). There is no point – apart from as a way of controlling immorality

We need to realise the context of this letter. Paul and the early Christians believed that Jesus would come back again soon, possibly in the next few days, or in the next few weeks or months, and certainly in the next few years. In fact, the advice that he gives is that people should “stay as they are” (v24) so that they can focus on the really important tasks of growing in holiness and in declaring the good news of Christ. There certainly was, in their eyes, no need for Christians to marry in order to have children: there was no point in having children.

The big thing that has changed since 1 Corinthians 7 was written is the fact that Jesus has not yet returned, that there have been many generations and, we need to be realistic, there may yet be many more generations before he comes again. In fact, the advice that Paul gives to young widows in 1 Timothy 5.14 is different to the advice he gives them in 1 Corinthians 7.39-40. In 1 Corinthians 7, he urges them not to marry; in 1 Timothy 5 he urges them to marry again. The same principals apply; what has changed is that Jesus has not returned as immediately as he had expected.

So we have to recognise that the first of the arguments that Paul uses for people remaining single is no longer valid; however his second argument is still very valid: When you are single, you can be single-minded in your service of Christ:

Married people or, for that matter, single people with children, have other concerns. Paul writes, “those who marry will face many troubles in life” (v28c). “I would like you to be free from concern” (V32). He has a point: there are concerns: a sick child or partner; school; arranging babysitters. And you have to fit your life around your partner or your children: you can’t expect them to always fit their life around you.

And:

2. Paul describes being single as a gift (in the same order as being married): and that is something that we need to hear – in a day that exalts if not marriage, then at least being sexually intimate with someone.

Being single is a gift. It is a gift that Paul obviously values: “I wish that all men were as I am” (v7); “In my judgement, she is happier if she stays as she is (single) – and I think that I too have the Spirit of God” (v40). So Paul would encourage those who are single to rejoice in the gift of our singleness.

There are times, I know, when that can be hard. When I was single, I did not always rejoice in my singleness; but I do rejoice in how God was able to use my singleness. I am aware that so many people do see it as a burden – or as if something is wrong with them – particularly in our society. But that is not how the bible sees it. The bible sees it as a gift, given by God which can be used for God as a blessing for both others, and for ourselves.

People may struggle with singleness – or, to be honest, not so much with singleness as with loneliness. Jesus, in Matthew 19, actually turns it round the other way. He has just told the disciples that marriage is for life, with no opt out. The disciples reply: “If this is the situation between a husband and wife, it is better not to marry!” Jesus answers, “Not everyone can accept this word, but only those to whom it has been given. For some are eunuchs because they were born that way; others were made that way by men (interesting that Jesus anticipates the nature/nurture debate); and others have renounced marriage because of the kingdom of heaven. The one who can accept this should accept it”. (Matthew 19.10-12).

In other words, Jesus is saying that the gift that should cause us to struggle – or at least take far more seriously than we do – is not the gift of singleness, but the gift of marriage: because that is the more unforgiving, the harder calling.

The single person who has no responsibilities has freedom, and can – if they choose – devote themselves to the Lord: (1 Cor 7.32-35). We can see that in our experience:

I have an unmarried aunt. Aunty Olive. For over 37 years she lived and worked in India, running a bible printing press, working with local churches, and adopting countless children. Since returning the UK she has become a pioneer of women’s ministry in Brethren congregations. She is an elder in the church, she preaches and she writes. She would have been unable to do all those things if she had not been single.

Or think, closer to home, of some of the most single-minded servants of Christ in this church. Take, as an example, Keith. Keith worked in this church for 50 years, and he died last October. He never got over his wife leaving him, and he always struggled with loneliness, but it did not stop him using those 25 or 30 years after she left as a single man devoted to Christ’s service. He did things that he could never have done, and should never have done, if he had still been married.

And being single and devoted to Christ, does not mean that you have to serve him in the church or in a religious community or on the mission field. The single person can be devoted to whatever calling Christ has given them: whether that is in the work place, in the interests that they have or, for instance, as a carer for someone.

There is a danger that it is very easy to glamorise the single life when you are married. I am told that Thomas Hardy was so unhappy in marriage that marriage was always portrayed as something negative in all his novels – so much so, that after he had written Jude the Obscure, his wife forbade him to write any more novels.

However, if it is easy for married people to glamorise the single life, it is equally possible for single people to glamorise married life: to think that if I am married all my problems will be solved. 1 Corinthians 7, Jesus teaching in Matthew 19 is sufficient warning – as is experience – that that is not the case.

The real secret is to learn to be content in whatever situation God has currently called us: to receive the gift that God has given us with thanksgiving. It is about trusting God. The grass is not greener on the other side.

The Cost of being single

Being single is costly. John Stott, who is single himself, writes in his commentary on 1 Thessalonians 4.1-8: “An additional paragraph is needed for those of us who are single and therefore lack the God-given context for sexual love. What about us? We too must accept this apostolic teaching, however hard it may seem, as God’s good purpose both for us and for society. We shall not become a bundle of frustrations and inhibitions if we embrace God’s standard, but only if we rebel against it. Christ’s yoke is easy, provided that we submit to it. It is possible for human sexual energy to be redirected (“sublimated” would be the Freudian word) both into affectionate relationships with friends of both sexes and into the loving service of others. Multitudes of Christian singles, both men and women, can testify to this. Alongside a natural loneliness, accompanied sometimes by acute pain, we can find joyful self-fulfilment in the self-giving service of God and other people.” (The Message of Thessalonians, BST, IVP 1991).

Loneliness can be devastating, but it does not need to be paralysing. It needs to be recognised, shared – but it does not need to be wallowed in. And although there are answers to loneliness, there is no quick fix.

People try to escape from loneliness through:

1. Sexual intimacy outside of marriage, outside of that committed relationship between man and woman. But for the person who calls Jesus Christ Lord, that is not really an option. I also suspect that in the end it will only make the loneliness more acute.
   

2. Masturbation may offer a quick fix – and is not something to get too hung up about unless it becomes a controlling habit – but it will never ultimately satisfy, and again often intensifies loneliness

3. Work can help us to get-out of loneliness. People throw themselves into what we do. Again, that may be right, especially if we are doing what God has called us to do: recognising that we are working for him and his glory, and not us – or our business – and its glory. That allows us to keep work in its rightful place, without it becoming a subsititute God.

4. Being part of a group, a community, is another positive way to cope with loneliness.

There is a place for communities in our churches today: both the so-called “religious” communities, but also for the more ad hoc communities: groups of people coming together to buy or rent a house, and to live together around a simple rule of life.

One of my dreams for one of the flats that we would like to build on the site of St David’s hall is that it would be large enough for a small community of people.

And this is the key. Society tells us that if we are not going to be sexually intimate with someone, we are going to be lonely. But just because we are not going to be sexually intimate with someone, it does not mean that we may not share our lives with other people; or that we have to live on our own. We can house share or flat share. It is, I suspect possible – but difficult – to live with someone of the opposite sex or, for that matter, of the same sex – if we are homosexual, when people have made the decision – and are prepared to be accountable to others for maintaining that decision – and not to be sexually intimate.

I’m not sure that it is advisable – and of course there is the danger that erotic love will come into play and take things further than both people intended. But we really do have to realise that people can live together and not be sexually intimate.

British society is incredibly reserved. In India, friends – of the same sex - will hold hands. In Russia, it is not only women who kiss each other. Men kiss each other. And in Baptist circles men kiss each other on the lips. It does not mean that people are going to be sexually, genitally intimate.

Friendships are vital: CS Lewis talks about lovers being face to face, but friends as standing side by side, shoulder to shoulder.

Friends have something in common: whether it is a task, an interest, a situation, an experience or an identity. It might be: being single, having children, holding the same views, having gone to the same school, doing the same work. And friendship begins when we recognise something that is shared, and it grows as we spend time together doing that which we do together. And friends can support each other, be there for each other, help each other, and be open with each other.

Look at Jonathan and David in 1 Samuel 18: we are told that Jonathan loved David as he loved himself – and there is no hint of a sexual nature in their relationship – and because he loved David he gave what he could to David. And he was willing to stand by David in the face of the hostility of his father, King Saul; and he was prepared to protect him when his father wanted David dead.

And we look at Jesus, who tells his disciples in John 15.15, “I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you”. Friends do not keep secrets from each other. They can be honest with each other.

We do need to learn to cultivate and develop friendships. Inviting people round for meals, going out to the cinema, letting the children play with each other. And it is good to have a wide range of friendships, particularly if we are single. It is such friendships that will stop us from becoming inward or self-centred; and it is such friendships that can rescue us when we most need another person. That should be particularly true of the church: we are called to be the family of God, friends of God: one body working together

Friendship is so important. People can live without sexual intimacy. It is very hard to live without friendship.

However, I am aware that even the best friendships – and in that I also include the friendship of members of the same family – do not mean that we will never feel lonely. That sense of loneliness can be a cross that some people will have to bear. But it does not need to be negative.

We have a choice: we can allow that loneliness to drive us inwards into ourselves (the “I’m going to go and eat worms” syndrome); or to drive us to seek satisfaction (but not find it) in either sexual intimacy or its substitutes – or we can allow that loneliness to drive us back to seek intimacy in Christ. Because ultimately he belongs to us, and we belong to him.

I have tried to cover an enormous amount of material in these three talks.

To summarise:

1. Our sexuality, which includes our sexual orientation, is a gift from God and can be used by God

2. The gift of sexual intimacy needs to be kept within the marriage relationship: that of a man and woman who have publicly committed themselves “till death us do part”

3. Singleness, despite the pain of loneliness, is also a gift from God

I finish by returning to the word that has been key for me in all of this: complementarity. We are different, with different callings, but we need each other.

We all have our struggles in life: And we all struggle, in our different – unique – ways, to be obedient to Christ and his word.

In the church, in the body of Christ – if we are to live holy and obedient lives; if we are to become perfect and like Christ – then we need each other: man needs woman and woman needs man; people with heterosexual orientation need people with homosexual orientation, and vice versa; married needs single and single needs married; old need young, young need old; black need white, white need black.

We need to learn to become open to the other; to watch out for the other; to see where the other – particularly the other who is not like me – is hurting, or is in need. And more than that, to discover how we can receive from the other.